I am finally catching up with technology and downloading some apps on my phone. My search of options has led to some fascinating discoveries. What follows is the official list of My Very Favorite Apps That I Will Most Likely Never Use:
Sit or Squat — This app and website from Charmin lists restrooms from all over the country and offers the general public the chance to rate pit stops for cleanliness. No one in my car is going to wait for me to Google anything but McDonalds.com because of the faint chance that they might get a milkshake out of the potty break as well. Unless I am wearing Depends, the time it would take to weed though customer reviews and notes might well compromise my kidney function.
Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend? — Where was this app when I was in my 20s and consulting horoscopes and Cosmopolitan magazine, making checklists and succumbing to the angst that was inherent to dating in the ‘90s? This app affords potential exes a two-week window to record feelings and then provides advice based on data entered. The system also keeps ratings for all past boyfriends for reference and as a weapon to stave off the urge to reconcile after watching “The Notebook” alone on a Friday night.
iBeer — This app simulates drinking a beer without the taste or enjoyment. Drinking non-alcoholic beer while pregnant pales in comparison to pretending to have a beer in my phone. I cannot envision a situation where a fake phone beer would be the answer.
The Ugly Meter — My entire appearance is a carefully crafted series of smoke and mirrors maneuvers meant to avoid the ugly meter out in the world every day. Whose self-confidence can handle the scrutiny of the Ugly Meter and pay for the privilege of downloading it?
Fat Booth — Ditto everything I wrote under Ugly Meter and multiply by 1,000. This app depicts what a user would look like with a few extra pounds. Fortunately, it comes with a disclaimer that states that if you actually put on weight, you may not look the same as you do in the final app results. Thank God — a different kind of fat than the one I expected would be devastating.
Animal Weights — This unique app compares your weight to that of over 100 animals from around the world. So, the next time I got to the Motor Vehicle Administration, I will simply write ”Grey Australian Kangaroo” under the weight field. No more worrying about disclosing your weight to strangers — no one can crack the code. Well, unless elephant comes up as your comparison animal. Then the gig is up.
Ask Wally — This “all-knowing” duck can allegedly answer any question or solve any problem with just a shake. He knows it all. I already have this app in my house through my three kids, who swear they know everything, all day every day.
So, there you have it: the best of the worthless options on the market. I am no expert, but I am sure there is an app for that!