When I was a teenager, our only celebrity role model was Marcia Brady of the Brady Bunch, largely due to the fact that the Disney Channel had not yet begun plucking girls from relative obscurity and turning them into actresses, singers and dancers bankrolled by the Disney juggernaut. Thus, Marcia offered the last word on fashion, boys, the perfect flick of perfectly straight hair and all things relevant in the world.
Marcia had a diary with a lock. So, I had a diary with a lock as did most of my friends. My loopy, handwritten angst filled page after page.
If my mom wanted to snoop, she only had to master the flimsy lock on my sacred journal, and my meager world was splayed before her. Although, if she ever looked, I am sure she was bored to tears by my incessant ramblings about Donny Osmond.
Now that I am a snooping mom, the world is a complicated place indeed, and I do not think I am up to the challenges of spying. You need to be crafty, tech-savvy and maybe even increase your vitamin intake.
First, there is the daunting list of sites that need monitoring. We’ve got email, Twitter, Aim, Facebook, texts and a world of privacy settings and passwords to confound me. Our house rules dictate that I get access to all the kids’ accounts, but who has the time to utilize the privilege?
If I had no job, no meals to prepare and never drove a carpool, I might have enough hours in the day to check the tweets, texts and tags, but with an unlimited data plan and limited man-hours, it is nearly impossible.
Further complicating matters is the fact that I have no idea what I am reading. I think that extra vowels are good. Sort of like “Wheel of Fortune.” If a girl says “I loveee youuu,” that is excellent. If she says “ILY,” it is not the same at all. Her feelings are as abbreviated as her communication.
Ditto with the word “so.” The more o’s at the end, the more intense the emotion.
The abundance of “textisms” makes it difficult to decipher a conversation. We have the standard “omg’s” and “idk’s,” but “actually” is now “acc” and ”to be honest” is “tbh.” I have not figured out what “hmu” means yet, but I think it has something to do with hanging out.
Why is this soooooooo hard?
Now I know why Carol Brady hired Alice; someone had to run the household so she could slide that letter opener into the locks of the girl’s diaries. Yet, even without a side-kick, I will snoop on in this cyber world. I am the most important role model for my kids, and “idc” how much time it takes to get there.